1,500 Miles to a Tourist Trap = Victory!

Day 5 12/23/2008
9am on the 24th
Somewhere in the Florida keyes, FL (just east of Key Largo)

The lady at the Town & Country Inn was up at 6:45am, and was looking at me from the office as I put my things back into the car. I waved goodbye and drove away. Day 3's post had already been uploaded from the wireless I found at the motel, so I wouldn't need to make any stops besides gas, and that's something I've been doing only once a day. Oh yeah, then there was food, of course. I didn't see any cool looking road diners, and there was no time to stop anyhow, so eating crap at drive-throughs would have to do. I was hoping for Dunkin Donuts. I saw a Starbucks first, and got a coffee there. The lady at the drive through was joking around and giving me good natured shit, like joking and saying 'No' to my order. There was a Dunkin a couple hundred yards away, and I drove through that to get a sandwitch. The drive-through lady there gave me shit for having a Starbucks coffee. I don't know if that was a coffee shop thing, or if people in Florida are shit talkers like we are up in New England. I enjoy shit talking.




The ride was going well and I was making excellent time, but around the Ft. Lauderdale area things began to slow down. It was still only the afternoon, so I wasn't too concerned with the traffic just yet. Little did I know that I would be stuck in it for almost all of Southern Florida.



Miami is a beautiful city. I've never been there before. There's something about the structure of the skyscrapers that looks different from anywhere else.


Just past the city, I got stuck in one the worst traffic jams of my life. It was like trying to drive through NYC's Broadway at rush hour. And even when those lights are green, the cars barely move an inch. I had a smoke...speaking of which, I never told you about the smoking rules in my car...

It is easy to chain smoke on the road. There is not much to do beside drive, listen to music, drink coffee, and think...all things that make even light smokers crave cigarettes. Rules must be in place, therefore, to prevent the vehcile and the lungs of the humans inside from odor of an ashtray. There are only two.

One cigarette per person is allowed after a state border is crossed. This rule makes it tough in long states such as Florida, but hey, I did't make the rules. (I did actually, but it sounded better to say I didn't).
One cigarette per person is allowed while stuck in traffic. Which of course begs the question..."How do you define 'traffic'?"

Phil's Definition of 'Traffic': Traffic is when the speed of the vehicle is less than half of the posted speed limit, with either one of the following 2 scenarios...
1) for a period of longer than 30 seconds, with the cause, and therefore, the end of the traffic not visible to the driver.
2) for a period of longer than 5 minutes, with the cause, and therefore, the end of the traffic visible to the driver.

So basically, what this means on the highway, is that if you are, for example, driving through a work zone, and simply slow down for a couple of seconds, you can not call that traffic. If you can see the road work, but are stopped for more than 5 minutes, then that counts as well. Off of the highway, if you are stuck at a red light, that is not traffic. However, if that light (or whatever else the cause of the stoppage may be) is so far away that you can not see it, then that is traffic. If there are cars still stuck past the light, and you can not see where this ends, that is also traffic.

Two instances of traffic must be separated by at least 5 minutes of a constant non-traffic situation, to be counted as two separate instances. This definition is in place to prevent vehicle occupants from lighting up 2 separate cigarettes on what is really part of the same traffic jam.

Anyways, every time this traffic let up just a little bit, it was still extrememely congested, then would come to total halt once again. I would give you another picture but people in cars get weird about getting their pictures taken, and were already pissed off as is.

There are always those idiots on the road that try to outspeed everyone else that is stuck, by switching from lane to lane in an ultra-aggressive manner. The problem isthat they're also always tailgating the car in front of them, don't have a picture of what the hell is going on, and switch to whatever lane has space at the moment. They want instant gratification. Outsmarting, and fucking with these people brings me a great deal of joy in these boring situations. My years of experience in city driving has taught me that it's important to always undertand the whole picture as to what's going on around you. You must see have an aerial view in your head. If you think about what's going on in the jam, and why, you can maneuver things to your advantage without being an asshole. The best is pulling up next to them after they've passed you, and looking as if you're completely unaware of the fact that they lost. I saw one of these idiots yesterday. His car had about 17 dents of varying severity. He had a Country 99.5 bumper sticker. So I thought I'd tune in. See post from Day 2.

The traffic really was brutal. I had the end so close in site and just wanted to finish. I could no longer listen to music, news, or anything else. With the smell of success in the air, The only thing to concentrate on was the road and getting out of the gridlock to finish in time.


Things cleared up just before the starting point of the Florida Keyes. It was about 4:30 with the sun scheduled to go down right before 6. From that point to Key West is at least a 2 hour drive. I was cutting it way too close, but didn't care. If I had to bend the rules to finish, fuck it. I earned this one. Racing at full speed, I reached the 60 mile marker, and flipped on the "Best of Rocky" album, to add to the dramatic effect. The highway ended. For those of you from New England, what I saw next looked like the most tourist trap section of Cape Cod on steroids. Novely shops, tacky restaurants, Hawaian shirts, mopeds. Where the hell was I? Did I really drive 1,500 miles to show up at a tourist trap?! Yes, because that is in fact, what I did. But No, because the real destination of this trip was a little sign on a street parallel to the mayhem. I had arrived. Mission accomplished!


Getting the picture taken was a bit of an obstacle as the street it is on is not a touristy street, and there are not too many people around. I was taking pictures of the signs by themselves when some German tourists walked by. I asked them to take a picture of me. The lady took one that sucked, and offered to take another. The second one sucked as well. I decided this was useless, and thanked them. The Germans were confused as to why I was getting my picture taken there,and started taking pictures of themselves. A few minutes later I walked back, and saw what I think was a local couple sitting on their porch across the street. They were in their twenties. The guy had long hair. The girl was fat. They were smoking.
"Excuse me, can I ask a gigantic favor, could yo take a picture of me with that sign?" The longhair made a motion with his head toward his woman. The fatass looked at me.
"Oh, I don't know, its raining."
To call the precipitation mist would have been an exaggeration.
"Thanks anyway," I said, and walked away. Hey, I understand, she was lazy and fat, what could she do? I would have to settle with the photos I had.
I was starving and needed to eat as I had not had anything since the morning sandwich because of the hurry I was in. I saw a sports bar with gigantic high definition TVs.
They had the Bruins & Celtics games next to each other, amazing. I sat at the bar, ordered a burger and a Yuengling. There was a guy sitting close by who was from New Hampshire and rooting for the Bruins. We started up one of those awkward conversations that sports fans of the same team and who do not know each other feel like they should be having.
"They're looking great this year"
"Yeah, Thomas has been unreal"
"Its a great time to be a sports fan in New England"
On and on with bullshit like that. The game was very good. Bruins won 1-0. I had another Yuengling, took off, and walked by the sign one final time.

Asian Tourists to the Rescue! Yes, once again on this trip, there were asian tourists taking pictures of themselves, and I asked them to take one of me. (How great would this story be if they were the same guys from the Washington Monument? I wish.) These asian tourists were not good photographers like the ones in Washington, but better than the Germans. The picture still sucks, but whatever, it's proof.




And so the journey ended. I really didn't feel like sticking around Key West, and anyways the hotels there were ridiculously priced. I drove back up 1 North, for a couple of hours, got a cheap motel, and was too tired to write an entry. Now I'm posting this at a Starbucks. There are children screaming in French, and I need to take off ASAP if I'm going to make it back by tomorrow night.

I will write again when I get back with anything I forgot to mention, as well as final thoughts.

Tunes:
The Doors -Morrison Hotel
Sun Ra - Atlantis
Billy Joel - The Stranger
Rolling Stones - Beggars Banquet
Sleep - Holy Mountain
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
some other shit I don't remember.